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i · plan · to · live · forever.
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a million things have happened, and livejournal i have really, really missed you. with any luck, i will bring you with me into the new year. 2010. holy cow.
to settle all confusion or worry that i may have changed in drastic ways, let me explain my current living situation. julie and i are no longer dating each other. we share the apartment, each with our own room, and both of us are sleeping with straight girls. a lot happened to get us here, mostly a lot of fighting and (in julie's case) binge drinking. a little over a week ago, she broke her finger when an argument escalated into physical combat between us. that is not how i want my life to be.
additionally, i am completely smitten with the girl i've been seeing. shocking, i know. about a month after julie and i broke up, she and her fiance (boyfriend of 4+ years) also separated. we both live with our exes. she told me she had a crush on me forever, and we had become close friends, and she just came out with it. i had been rolling similar feelings around in my head, mostly for fun because i don't date straight girls, so when she said that it seemed like a good enough time to act on it. we did.
so we are having a really fantastic time exploring a situation that is largely new to both of us - her because i'm her first girl, and me because i have never been with someone who didn't know all about the gay. i have loved a few girls, deeply and stupidly and happily, i know. but i may have found what i spent all that time looking for in this person - she is sweet and thoughtful, responsible, mature. she has no crazy gay genes. i am not in any hurry for anything. i'm enjoying every second.
i do feel bad because julie is self-destructing. she tried sabotaging what i was doing by threatening to reveal my situation to the ex fiance, in an attempt to draw attention away from herself and her "friend". that was bad. it never happened. everyone is seeing someone else, now. but now, her situation and straight girl are most definitely not doing what my girl and i are. they fight and drink and get jealous, without commitment or affection that i've seen. julie stopped taking her blood pressure meds, started smoking again. she drinks every day. i'm worried about her. we are still close, despite all the fighting we have done - she seems to have redirected all her frustrated rage to the other girl. she doesn't blame me anymore, so we have been much nicer to each other. her unhappiness makes me very sad, but there is nothing i can do that i didn't spend the last year doing.
meanwhile, i had the best holiday season ever. i have been going to the gym and eating better, so i lost weight and my whole family said how happy and small i looked. it really made me realize what a grumpy bugger i was my entire adolescence, and so very thankful that i have at least moved beyond that much. i got christmas presents for everyone i wanted to, and spread my joy as far as i could without going totally broke. i picked, cut, drove home from Vermont in my back seat, set up (with help), and decorated my very own christmas tree. i felt like a real adult.
i have a really beautiful weekend coming up, then another short week that ends in my favorite holiday - New Year's. 2010 should be incredible. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life than I have been the last two weeks or so, getting along and getting laid and settling into who I am and want to be.
Merry Christmas, livejournal. it is good to see you again. |
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lately i dont have things to say that i want everyone to read. i have a lot to say. i have a lot to say to certain people but not a lot i am okay with everyone reading. i love you livejournal, you've seen me through so much...but maybe now is not the time.
i'm sure our time will come again. don't forget me. |
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this time last year i was lost and kind of sad, i spent almost all my time thinking about what had happened before rather than what i wanted to happen next. i thought i was doing okay but i spent most of the summer struggling to please someone who didn't know what she wanted, and finding happiness in going home to CT. where i am now and where i was a year ago are centuries apart. i am happy and secure, and i haven't been home in weeks. that part i'm not proud of, i really do miss my family and i can't wait for beach trips. but remembering how i felt and knowing how i feel now really helps me to get centered. which i needed livejournal to remember but that's why i have the stupid thing.
i was thinking today that no matter how far i get i am still learning new things. i am blessed in so many ways, and i have all the things i wanted when i moved up to MA: a steady job, a nice car, a beautiful apartment and a loving, adult relationship (FINALLY). so of course i had a(nother) breakdown yesterday about money, because now that i have everything i wanted, i have none of that. so julie and i budgetted and she talked me down, and i am learning to handle my paychecks like a big girl. it is really scary but i feel like it's important to learn, too.
lately i have been wondering if i have become an abrasive person, the kind of person people are nice to their face but then call a bitch later. this mostly applies to work, where julie is spunky and funny and everybody's buddy and i mostly tag along or sit at my desk and work. i am comfortable with this particular contrast, personally, except for when i start to wonder if people just want her around instead of both of us. this will probably pass.
as much as i am really happy with my life, i feel like i'm on the verge of another sort of self-realization. i am happy but i don't feel like me, which i don't think makes any sense. now that i have this new life just the way i wanted it, i must not know who to be. don't get me wrong, there is a ton more that i want (a higher education, a career goal, plane tickets...) but right now i am exactly where i want to be.
i do miss my friends from home, because we are all grown up with real jobs now. but i don't really miss the time or the place, just the way the people made me feel. i just have to finish balancing out what i want and what i have. it comes back to that every time.
to you, from: |
sylvan st |
i am feeling: |
 pensive | |
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I am not into this new post-my-woes-on-facebook-then-say-they're-private trend. If they're private keep them to yourself, it is just going to make people ask and it makes you look self-centered and needy.
That's how I feel about that.
I have the day off tomorrow. Lots and lots to get done. I am so busy and so happy and so stressed lately, its wonderful and hard @ once.
to you, from: |
worcester |
i am feeling: |
 sleepy |
background noise: |
news @ 10 | |
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So we moved into the new place and it is glorious. Its spacious and clean, there are windows everywhere. Tonka rubs on the carpet and has a new favorite squeaky snail toy that she takes to bed with us.
Today we bought a ton of groceries, and I started a food
Journal so I can try to eat better. I am also in the process of motivating myself to get up early and walk tonka in the morning and after work. Doesn't sound like a lot but apparently it is to me. Maybe I will start tomorrow, maybe Monday. Julie walked with us tonight it is really beautiful tonight.
Theoretically, I will start going to the gym again next week. I wish planet fitness has pilates classes, I would so pay extra for that secret joy.
The point is that the big move was the right idea. Julie and I are happier, we have more space to spread out, we feel more comfortable. Tonka is visibly happier and more relaxed. It's everything I hoped it would be.
Next step, back to school. Amazing.
to you, from: |
home! |
i am feeling: |
 happy |
background noise: |
television | |
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Jules and I got a place. We sign the lease tomorrow and start moving ASAP. We could not be more excited, people will be over visiting before we even unpack. I cannot stand the anticipation, I just want to unpack boxes and decorate. And watch tonka run around in a joyous partially-carpetted frenzy.
Rehoboth beach was by far the best vacation I have ever been on. I can't remener ever beeing genuinely sad to be home from vacation, but I really am today! I did not surf the second day cause I was sick the whole time and I did not want pneumonia. But next time I will have a wet suit and everything and I'm not stopping until I either stand or drown. Bring it.
I finished the twilight series and I am really sad that its over. It felt rushed, like she just wanted to finish the series. At the same time, I can't imagine what might have warranted another entire novel that wouldn't be boring, parts of the last one even had me faltering. Still, I wish there was more to do while I wait for new moon to be finished. That may be the saddest part of all. But I don't care.
In final news, I really need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Ironically and irritatingly, my desired masters studies are generally intended for future teachers of English, this time as a second language. I refuse to bow down to what its assumed I should be doing just because of what I like. Teaching sucks and I don't want to but I still want to study language and culture. I also can't move to another state to do it, which is a larger and equally as frustrating road block. I feel cornered and unhappy about my educational future. I still just might quit everything and travel the world. It seems much more reasonable than almost any of the rest of it.
to you, from: |
efi |
i am feeling: |
 excited | |
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I surfed for the first time today. I was up earlier than everyone and walked to the beach by myself. I bought my girlfriend a necklace and myself a little pail to hold shells. I walked on the beach and took pictures and enjoyed my own morning. My biggest shock in this process was coming upon a living horseshoe crab on the beach. I took a picture of him walking and one of him flipped over (he did not like this, and actually I think it was a “she” and “she” was pregnant, looking back at my picture of her underside). Then I let her go and moved her so it was likely that nobody else found her before she got back into the water.
When everyone was up we all went surfing at this beach. I can’t hold a surfboard under my armpit and grab the bottom because my arms are too short, so I carried it parallel to the ground with one edge rammed into my stomach and both arms clinging to the far edge. It looked pretty cool I think.
Sarah was with me, she had a wet suit and all I had was a t-shirt and board shorts. It was not as hot out as I would have liked for motivation to get into the freezing water (Sarah called me “brave” for coming without the wet suit). But I sucked it up and after about ten minutes I couldn’t feel anything, really. Which means it took approximately 40 minutes for me to realize that the board wax was rubbing my stomach and knees raw.
I was way too busy trying to call forth my pre-teen mastery of the “boogie board” to assist me in my attempts at the adult version (which is ultimately more cool). I made some solid connections, I remembered how to time my frantic paddling away from the waves so as to end up on top of them when they break. It occurred to me that if I tucked my shirt into my shorts, I could probably save the last shreds of the tender flesh on my belly from being waxed off. (This idea horrified my girlfriend, who immediately pointed out that the top of my shorts was touching my ribs over my shirt. Had he been there, Steve Urkel would have no doubt been struck dumb with awe).
Three or four times I actually rode the board into the sand, albeit in a sort of seal-esque stance with my shoulders and head raised off the board and my head erect. I’m sure it would have been a really good series of photos. Particularly the ones where I tilted the front of the board too far forward and was flipped forward, so that I could better feel the crunch of sand in my teeth. The intent is to stand up tomorrow and ride on in, and you better believe I’m bringing it home.
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Everything about my life is glittering with good fortune right now. I have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend, a dog, a good car and a decent job (@ which I am next in line for promotion). We are looking for our own apartment, so we can have cookouts and movie nights. We have vacations planned. Trips.
But for some reason the last 2 weeks have been killing me. I have weird dreams and can't sleep right, I am grumpy and irritable and all I can think about is grad school and traveling the world. I feel like I'm wasting time, for no reason @ all. I just feel anxious. I wish it would stop so I can go back to loving every minute of my life and having lots of sex. (yeah, I said it.)
I really need to learn to enjoy things as they come. The issue is that I want everything right now. I am used to deciding what I want and getting it, somehow, and I have clearly come to a point in my life where that's just not feasable. Apparently parts of me are not satisfied with this.
Parts of me better shut the hell up.
I'm sure taking the next step, finding a place and settling into it, will improve my dismal attitude. Its a lot brighter outside than I have been giving it credit for.
to you, from: |
Efi |
i am feeling: |
 thoughtful |
background noise: |
highway noise | |
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So I'm feeling kind of edgy. I sm probably not going to play rugby this season after all mainly because I don't really want to. I want to go running and bike and to be outside in the sun. I also want to get a new place with my girlfriend and go back to school. I want to write but I'm too busy reading the twilight books.
I am also all set with April and all the rain. Let's bring on some may sunshine and all the traveling I am expecting to do. I am ready.
to you, from: |
efi |
i am feeling: |
lazy | |
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I could not tell you exactly why I even go. I am scared all day, get dressed, show up, suck really bad and feel really sore, go home and shower, and do it again two days later. I feel like I never get any better, like every season coach shows me the same things (mainly how not to hurt myself). But I go.
Afterwards, I always feel really proud and exhilerated, like I proved I could go and not die. I am not an all-star, I will never be, but I go and I do my very best to keep up and pretend I'm not terrified I'm going to break my bones. And I shock people when I say I play rugby, and I like that it makes me seem tougher than I look. Maybe I am tougher than I look. Julie says I am, just cause I go.
Maybe I'm just a big faker though. Do I really like it? I like how it makes me feel to survive it and tell people. And I like when I know what to do, even if I'm no good at doing it. I don't really play, I'm not good enough to get put in games much. But I really do like the team, and I guess there is something exciting about going because it's so hard and I really am no good. Maybe it surprises me in a good way that I make it out alive, and I like that just surviving is enough to make me feel accomplished.
Anyway I have practice tomorrow and I have to go to both practices this week because I have pretty much found an excuse not to go to 3 of the 6 outdoor practices this season. The more worried I get about sucking or getting hurt, the more likely it is that its going to happen. I need to suck it up and stop psyching myself out. I need to go to remind myself why I go. When I scare myself into not going I feel awful and I forget the parts I really love.
So her is a goal: This season I'm going to stick a bitch so my coach says 'nice job'. Look out bitches.
I'm coming.
to you, from: |
castle St |
i am feeling: |
 determined |
background noise: |
bad tv | |
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I can't sleep. I'm sleepy now so I'm sure I will be all set once I put this damn phone down. But until now I wasn't ready.
I entered a flash fiction story contest at the end of February and today I got an email saying I made it through the first cut. I was way excited, they cut 200 of 300 and I made it. Not bad for my first try. I sort of panicked when I got to the part where, if I win, they promote my writing. Cause I haven't been writing. So suddenly I need to.
Jules wanted to rent the movie twilight the other day and we watched it and now I have a mildly creepy obsession with it. Not really based on anything other than that I have been trying to write someting with a very similar structure since I was 12. To no avail. So I'm facinated and jealous to see it essentially come to life by someone else. Ick. Writer's envy.
Lately I have had this very eerie feeling like something big is going to happen but I can't tell if its good big or bad big. I'm rooting for good big but I guess its not up to me.
I wonder if I will ever feel like me, rather than always feeling like I'm becoming me. If that makes any sense at all.
to you, from: |
castle st |
i am feeling: |
ready for bed |
background noise: |
grey's anatomy | |
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You will be happy to know that I have not changed much. I got a new tattoo on Tuesday. It's big and full of color and on my forearm so there is no hiding it.
Today I missed rugby practice and came home to make dinner. I was making burgers and forgot about the buns in the oven so I filled the apartment with smoke and set the alarm off repeatedly and had no idea why my food was smoking until Julie reminded me about the buns. So I'm still not a gourmet chef. But the burgers weren't bad once the smoke was gone and I got rid of the charcoal bricks I made. And tonka came out from under the bed where she has a secret nest for taking refuge and hiding snacks I told her she can't have.
After dinner I started a CD for Ben whose birthday is on Saturday. I am pretty excited about it but I'm also really nervous he won't like it! He is 9. But he is my boy blue!! I love that kid. I really hope he likes the music I'm giving him. It includes such classics as "sugar we're going down", "float on" and "hands down". Rock on. I called my mom to tell her about it and casually mentioned the arm length firebird I recently burned into my skin. She is less than pleased but I know she loves me either way. I did not mention it to Richard the large when he got on the phone.
My dog has taken to sleeping on my pillow. Or directly on my face. The other morning the alarm went off and she got really excited we were getting up and when we didn't she looked at Julie, then me, then put her butt directly on my mouth.
to you, from: |
castle st |
i am feeling: |
settling in |
background noise: |
grey's anatomy | |
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My life is no longer the OC. Jules and I get up in the morning and go to work, we eat dinner and watch TV with the dog, we go out and see friends or stay in and rent movies. We are saving up to get a place at the end of the year. Its amazing. My life is so great.
But its no drama to write about or whine about or be crazy sarcastic about. There are no more mean girls or angry girls or girls breaking my heart. There are no more deadlines or timelines or syllabi. Its a new place, some big steps, a very different adventure.
This is real life at its very best. I'm growing up and going out and being myself in ways I have never been before. Here is to a new year, a new me, a brighter day to wake up to.
Cheers!
to you, from: |
castle st |
i am feeling: |
cheerful |
background noise: |
reality tv | |
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So I got another blackberry. I dropped my phone into a cup of water and wanted a new plan so I got one with Verizon. It was way cheap and now jules and I can talk without her computer which is nice.
I am way sick I feel like butt and I have to work through Saturday. Its time I learned how to use my health insurance I guess. Its hard being a big people.
Additionally see the movie quarantine it is pretty freakin fantastic. That is all.
i am feeling: |
 sick | |
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we had a lovely weekend in vermont with hollace and ja. my brand new tires were faulty so we drove 7 hours home on a donut. hooray! but we got about a million beautiful pictures which i'm sure many of you have seen scattered about on the internet. perhaps they've even given you a cavity.
i got hired onto my job permanantly, where i have also been semi-promoted and given a raise. it's pretty amazing and i'm not bored all day anymore. i may end up working too many hours but it's one step closer to getting a really nice apartment.
for valentine's day we went with sharon (aka charlie brown) to the new england aquarium and had a beautiful day in boston. we had pizza for dinner and were introduced to the very classic "alien" movies. julie is in love. i loved the pizza and also fell asleep during the second movie. because i have become that kid. see above.
however winter is finally getting on my damn nerves and i would really like the two days of spring that happened this week to come back and last about 9 months. i really want to ride my bike and take tonka to the park and maybe even get super ambitious and go running. who knows the world will be my oyster.
i was just informed by a couple that has been married for several months that sex that is "good" pre-marriage will become "ROCKING" post-marriage. then i was told to go buy a ring. it would appear that i've been found out.
to you, from: |
malden st |
i am feeling: |
chipper |
background noise: |
House | |
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